The Official List of Cooking Skill Levels
Category : Hints, Tips and Tricks
0 = No Skill: You often burn water. The microwave hates you. If your husband is a better cook, he cooks in self-defense - you are, after all, still wanted in three states for starting salmonella outbreaks. If not, you are probably on a first-name basis with every teenage kid at every fast-food joint in town.
1 = Poor Skill: You have mastered the intricacies of the microwave. Unfortunately, you still burn water. If your husband is a better cook than you are, he cooks to stave off boredom from an endless stream of TV-dinners. If not, you're again on a first-name basis with all local fast-food clerks.
2 = Mediocre Skill: You can follow a basic recipe if it's a tested one from a nationally published cookbook, and most of the time the smoke alarms in the house will not go off. Your husband has only had to call the fire department once, and you have only been hospitalized for cooking-related injuries three times. If your husband is a better cook than you, your friends are amazed. If not, you still only occasionally go out to eat - usually when both hands are bandaged from your last disastrous attempt at Chicken Cacciatore.
3 = Good Skill: You can follow any recipe. You invent your own recipes - and they sometimes work. You own at least two cookbooks. You have at least one file-folder of recipes (and it's full). If your husband is a better cook than you, he will never admit it. If not, he will proudly proclaim to all his friends you are a "Cordon-Bleu" chef - particularly when you are around and can be easily embarrassed. You have eaten at a fast-food joint once in your life, and that was only because the kids insisted they wanted a "Happy Meal".
4 = Excellent Skill: You invent recipes and sell them. You own more cookbooks than your friends own romance novels. Your husband worships the ground you walk on, and won't even enter the kitchen, so you've no idea how good a cook he is. Your children still want a "Happy Meal", however.
0 = No Skill: You can tear a broken microwave apart, fix whatever's wrong and put it back together, but your greatest accomplishment so far in using it is that you haven't burned down the house yet. If your wife is any better than you, you worship her openly as a goddess. You used to own a barbecue, but the police confiscated it after the last two fires you started. You are under court order to take your children to McDonalds at least once a week, so they'll at least get some kind of nutrition.
1 = Poor Skill: You often argue with your wife that "Mac and Cheese" is a food-group. You have invented one recipe - for Bean Dip. You own a barbecue and think you're good at it - but for some reason, none of your pals will come over when you say you're going to cook burgers. If your wife is better than you, you may occasionally grudgingly admit it - but only while she's helping you put out the fire in the barbecue. Your children scream with joy when you tell them that the family will be eating out.
2 = Mediocre Skill: You can successfully complete one or two recipes from your wife's cookbook. You have invented two recipes - both are for Bean Dip. The fire department has only been called out to your house for the barbecue grill one time. Your wife actually lets you use the kitchen without supervising your every move. Your friends often come over for barbecue burgers and a few beers, and your wife complains about them. Your children scream with joy when you tell them that the family will be eating out.
3 = Good Skill: You can follow any recipe in any cookbook, and have even invented a couple of your own. Your wife smiles a lot, and occasionally whispers indecent proposals in your ears in exchange for you cooking that night. Your buddies call you up and ask when is the next time you'll be pulling out the barbecue . Your children scream with joy when you tell them that the family will be eating out.
4 = Excellent Skill: You are one of perhaps half-a-dozen living men in the whole world at this skill level. You own a barbecue, but haven't used it in years because the last time you tried, the whole neighborhood trooped over for free eats. Your wife foolishly whispered to one of her friends about your cooking, and now she won't let you go out of the house because of all the suggestive looks (and occasional butt-pinching) the women in town keep giving you. Your wife watches you like a hawk at the grocery store, as well, because the one time she didn't, you came home smelling of perfume and with a lipstick smear on your collar. You haven't been out with your pals in years. You are very lonely. You have written two cookbooks to stave off your loneliness, and it looks like the royalties will probably put your kids through college in a few years. But your children STILL scream with joy when you tell them that the family will be eating out.